29th
It’s an Intern’s World, and We’re all Just Living in it
Dear Intern,
I helped set up your computer for the summer. I helped you figure out how to fill out your W-2 form. I’ve answered a plethora of questions for you, from how to order lunch to who you need to get in touch with for each and every task you will need to do during your stay at this here corporate location.
I’m not trying to be mean, and it’s really nice how excited you are to be here, but I must share with you some basic rules of office behavior if you want to succeed in life.
A) Calm Down
I get that you’re ”totally stoked” to be here, and since this appears to be your lifetime goal, I am genuinely happy for you. I understand that in the morning you’ve been here since dawn, bouncing around the office, but when I arrive, I have not had my first cup of coffee yet. The next time you get in my face to sing “good morning, Janina!” in that extremely loud voice, I will see it as a threat to do bodily harm against me, and act accordingly.
B) Quit Bragging
You own land. You call your Daddy your “Old Man”. You are getting your MBA and you are the youngest person here. I understand you were a wrestling hero in your high school. We here at Corporate Land NYC don’t care. Stop talking about it (just stop talking).
C) Know Your Role
You’re learning a lot right now, and I’m sure in Businessman Charm School, they probably taught you to dress and act the title you want to be, am I right? I’m sure, in certain scenarios, that works wonderfully. God knows I’ve dressed to impress to get free stuff, or to get in places for free - it’s all just different forms of hustlin’, let’s get real. But dude, you’re an intern. Demanding information from the people you’re working with, or even thinking of ordering me to do something for you is not going to help you get further here. You are still in school. You are the lowest on the totem pole. Accept it, and be gracious about it.
D) Get Out of My Personal Space
I distinctly remember giving you a spare stapler your first day here. There is absolutely NO reason to repeatedly sneak up behind me and reach over me to use my stapler located next to me. My cubicle is MY AREA. I am not impressed with your muscles, smug facial expressions and overpowering cologne, and quite frankly I’ve got dudes even younger than you hoping for a call from me if I so chose, so quit it. Parading yourself in front of my desk screaming “Hello, Janina!” at me every. single. time. you walk by will only irritate the living hell out of me. And it does not matter if I am on the phone on a business call or ordering Conway Twitty’s Greatest Hits, Volume 2, don’t sneak up behind me and start speaking LOUDLY at me about ANYthing while you see that gigantic black receiver that covers half of my face up to my ear.
Again, Intern, I am telling you these things out of kindness and a wish for you to continue to reach for the stars of corporate existence, until you are the Top Dog of the world!
Now leave me alone - I have a Smart Electronic Massage Fitness Belt to buy.
